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We’ve all thought about it (haven’t we?) – If you had to, which Muppet would you “do”?

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It’s a question passed down through the ages. Right up there with “Where do we come from?”, “Is the glass half-full, or half-empty?” and “Who the hell was Mr. Rubik, anyway? And what’s with all the cubes?”

And, just like those questions, your answer inevitably reveals deep insight into your inner-psyche… or some such. We all know these internet personality-test things are always 100% accurate. Right?

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Your Options
Before we begin to deconstruct the psychological implications of your preferred felt-covered booty-call, you first need to choose a partner for this sweaty encounter at the red-light end of Sesame Street. So, as Jim Henson spins in his grave, let’s meet your options:

Kermit the Frog

Miss Piggy

The Great Gonzo

Fozzy Bear

Elmo

The Cookie Monster

Animal

Bert and Ernie

Oscar the Grouch

The Verdict
Got your choice? Made your commitment? Don’t be afraid, there’s no shame in it – it’s not like most of them ever wear clothes, is it? Chosen? Good. Read on to discover what your choice says about your inner-self… or some such garbage…

Kermit the Frog: You are attracted to power, wealth and success. As a naturally demure person, your ideal mate is a natural leader – the sort of guy with first-rate organizational skills and a keen intellect. Either that, or you quite like the idea of a guy with an eight-inch, prehensile tongue.

Miss Piggy: You like taking care of people and, somewhat sadistically, like a challenge. Something in your soul yearns for the spotlight, but doesn’t mind settling for the reflected glory of those standing inside it. Either that, or you’re a guy and picked Piggy as the only girl on the list – not noticing that you just prioritized gender over bestiality. How’s that for Freudian?

The Great Gonzo: Your natural yearning for adventure leads you directly for your kindred spirit in Gonzo – never afraid and always ready for something “new”. Or, just maybe, you’re intrigued by the length of his nose and dying to find out how he earned the title “Great”.

Fozzy Bear: A sense of humor and a good personality are all that matters to you. Unfortunately, you wouldn’t recognize a good sense-of-humor if it bit you in the nether-regions while wearing a pair of thick-rimmed glasses and a ludicrous fake nose – which it just might. But what do I know? Maybe you’ve just got a thing for Wookies?

Elmo: Erm… Right… Yes… You’re… Erm… You’re ideally suited for a… a career in law-enforcement. Yes. That’s it. So ideally suited, in fact, that you should instantly report to the nearest police station and tell them all about this. Now.

Cookie Monster: You’re naturally insecure and want someone on whom you can be sure to control – through bribery if necessary. Alternatively, you’re just curious to see just how far he’d go for another Custard Cream.

Animal: You’re insatiable. Passion is what you’re after and you don’t care where it comes from – or even that it spends your time together shouting its own name at the top of its lungs.

Bert and Ernie: You’re afraid of commitment and prefer to hedge your bets wherever possible. That, or you’re a naturally curious person who can’t resist the chance to find out what they get up to in that shared bed when the cameras are off.

Oscar the Grouch: You are clinically insane.

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You’ve all heard of The Muppets – those wonderous felt-puppets of joy. Well perhaps you’ve seen some of their movies? Perhaps you’ve seen The Muppet Christmas Carol? Or The Muppet Treasure Island? Here, we ask ourselves – what should they do next? What great paragons of prose, stage or screen are deserving of a Muppet Remake? And, when such productions are enacted, who should be cast as whom?

[NOTE: In all Muppet films, the protagonist is cast as a human with the supporting cast as Muppets. I shall follow this in the impending casting-sessions.]